Loneliness, Striving, and Intuition: Reflections on Working for Myself
I have this idea that on Thursdays, I’m going to post personal blog posts. Perhaps this will be the first of many… (We’ll see!)
If you don’t want to read about my feelings and struggles, please go ahead and move along. There will be lots more pretty pictures for you next week!
Working from home full time has been a real kick in the pants.
I’ve mostly worked in highly social, team-oriented environments. To name a few, there was a coffee shop, a hospital, and offices filled with teachers or therapists or patients.
And so, working from home in the dead of winter, in the middle of the wedding “off season,” I suddenly found myself with so much space. Too much space.
I suddenly found myself spending a little too much time with myself.
The thing is, I like myself. I think I’m pretty awesome.
But being alone with myself for most of the day, well, it got pretty lonely. And I noticed that I am inclined to dull that loneliness (and other uncomfortable feelings) with a bunch of stuff, like podcasts, and snacks, and junk tv.
And all that dulling and numbing ended up making me feel pretty bad too. So I can’t say it was going super well.
But I’m working on it. A lot.
At first, I tried to outsmart myself by planning out every second of my day, and Pomodoro-ing, and upleveling my Habitica character, and blocking all TV.
I got things done for a while. It worked until it didn’t.
And I was still lonely.
So now I’m taking a different tack.
I’m learning about intuition and flow. I’m working with a coach. I’m trying to lean into the discomfort (or at least look at it a little) instead of avoiding it.
I’m finding the things that energize me and fill me up, like amazing client calls, and co-working dates with photog friends, and dancing in my living room. I joined an amazing community of like-minded folks.
And respecting my need for connection and reflection is definitely helping.
Even though I left my old job in pursuit of greater purpose and joy, I’m starting to realize, as I slow down and look at the state of myself, that happiness doesn’t live in a job, or a relationship, or a house, or a perfectly decorated room. Happiness can only be found within yourself.
I knew this, but I didn’t really know it… in my bones.
But I know it now. So I’m looking inward.
Here’s hoping I learn to love what I see.
